I write this outside my house on a quiet, cool summer evening. I am taking my time, because I have all the night. I write by candlelight because I want my thoughts and my writing experience to be real, raw, physical, organic. The cigar I am smoking tastes good in my mouth, feels right in my hands, and smells like tobacco that is rich but delicate. I want to share my thoughts of late. I will take my time this summer evening, a dull moonlight glow, a few of the boldest stars, and the murmur of the night critters.
My movie ticket cost me $7.50 tonight. My ice cream last night cost me $3.75. It might have been more, I don't remember. The intermittent, random bursts of green, quiet light from fireflies reminds me how of these things don't really register in my mind that well. I don't really need to remember how much things cost or where I'll obtain what I want next, because it never is really a concern. Just like right now, I don't really care about much other than sitting here, quietly, listening to the night, the crackle of the candle, and my own breath. But I've been thinking about that lately--I've never really counted the cost, because I've never really had a cost. I have made little to no sacrifice. With my money, but also with my time and heart. The cost to me has always been paid without much thought. I can't help but think about others when I think about that. I read recently that almost half the world lives on $2 or less per day. The cigar that I am smoking costs about $1.50. Garcia y Vega, imported from the D.R.. It is a beautiful thing. A treat for me, really. But some people don't have this luxury. Some people don't have enough food every day.
I shouldn't say "some" people. That makes it sound like just a few. 2.7 Billion people is not some. I can't say most, because it's not [technically] a majority. But think about that--almost half the of everyone won't ever even think about a luxury, a treat, like ice crea, or going to a theater, or enjoying a cigar, because they can't. What an amazing thought. That I am among the luxurious minority of people who can sit down, with no worry about my next meal, my only worry about how chilly my legs are, and write about my thoughts by pleasant candlelight. I live in privilege.
In my programming class last semester we covered a concept called Perlin noise. Perlin noise is a mathematical something used to express what you could call a "smooth random". Instead of just random integers, for example between 1 and 10, being expressed one after anohter in random order, Perlin noise, I don't know how or by what actual mathematical expression, creates randomness but flowing from the values before it. The result is values like 1,2,1,2,3,3,2,2,3,4,3,2,1,1,0,1,2,3,3,3,4,3,2,1,2,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,7,6,7,5,6,5,4,3,2,2,1 etc... instead of just random numbers thrown out there, they follow each other.
My life feels like Perlin noise sometimes. One random night with friends segways into the next, into the next, into a nice evening by myself, into rest, into something else. It's random, it's randomly chosen, but the events follow the last, like a never ending train, twisting and winding into some destination. The smoke from my cigar looks the same. Ceaseless grey pouring up and out and into whatever, the welcoming night sky. That's my life. On and on, money thrown here, fun thrown here, work and play and rest and cycle and whatever whirling up and out and down and around back to the beginning.
I wish I was more calculated. I wish everything I did was purposeful. It's not enough to have a decent moral code, then to dream about justice and dream about setting the world to rights. A dream is like smoke to me now. It's pleasant, but passes. I want my dreams to be plans. I want my lofty to desires to be my lifestyle. I'm tired of the smooth random.
I'm going to give away my clothes. I have a lot that I don't need. I'm going to let them be used for a better purpose. I'm going to stop throwing away my money. I've talked [about it] before, but if I get money, I'm going to save it or give it away. I don't think I've ever really experienced generosity. More than anything, I think I'd rather experience that right now. I don't want to piss away 4 and 5 dollars on my sensations. I want to [do] what is in my power to reduce the waste in my heart and habit.
I've never really experienced what I envision. I think I've really missed out. I think there's a whole bit of being a human that involves engaging others through utter self sacrifice and generosity. I've lived in total luxury for a few years. I really do want to sample real giving, real generosity. I pray that I can do so. I plan to start right now.
The cigars always get really strong near the end because there is less tobacco to filter the smoke. As time goes on, there is less filter [in] life and more beautiful, maybe a little more bitter experience, expression, and truth comes. I love Jesus more than I ever have.
This ends my journal entry. I think about the time I spent outdoors and wonder what's wrong with the world. I think about now, as I write this out, how wrong I really am, how deeply I need to be transformed.
