Perlin Smoke

Transcribed from my journal this evening:

I write this outside my house on a quiet, cool summer evening. I am taking my time, because I have all the night. I write by candlelight because I want my thoughts and my writing experience to be real, raw, physical, organic. The cigar I am smoking tastes good in my mouth, feels right in my hands, and smells like tobacco that is rich but delicate. I want to share my thoughts of late. I will take my time this summer evening, a dull moonlight glow, a few of the boldest stars, and the murmur of the night critters.

My movie ticket cost me $7.50 tonight. My ice cream last night cost me $3.75. It might have been more, I don't remember. The intermittent, random bursts of green, quiet light from fireflies reminds me how of these things don't really register in my mind that well. I don't really need to remember how much things cost or where I'll obtain what I want next, because it never is really a concern. Just like right now, I don't really care about much other than sitting here, quietly, listening to the night, the crackle of the candle, and my own breath. But I've been thinking about that lately--I've never really counted the cost, because I've never really had a cost. I have made little to no sacrifice. With my money, but also with my time and heart. The cost to me has always been paid without much thought. I can't help but think about others when I think about that. I read recently that almost half the world lives on $2 or less per day. The cigar that I am smoking costs about $1.50. Garcia y Vega, imported from the D.R.. It is a beautiful thing. A treat for me, really. But some people don't have this luxury. Some people don't have enough food every day.

I shouldn't say "some" people. That makes it sound like just a few. 2.7 Billion people is not some. I can't say most, because it's not [technically] a majority. But think about that--almost half the of everyone won't ever even think about a luxury, a treat, like ice crea, or going to a theater, or enjoying a cigar, because they can't. What an amazing thought. That I am among the luxurious minority of people who can sit down, with no worry about my next meal, my only worry about how chilly my legs are, and write about my thoughts by pleasant candlelight. I live in privilege.

In my programming class last semester we covered a concept called Perlin noise. Perlin noise is a mathematical something used to express what you could call a "smooth random". Instead of just random integers, for example between 1 and 10, being expressed one after anohter in random order, Perlin noise, I don't know how or by what actual mathematical expression, creates randomness but flowing from the values before it. The result is values like 1,2,1,2,3,3,2,2,3,4,3,2,1,1,0,1,2,3,3,3,4,3,2,1,2,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,7,6,7,5,6,5,4,3,2,2,1 etc... instead of just random numbers thrown out there, they follow each other.

My life feels like Perlin noise sometimes. One random night with friends segways into the next, into the next, into a nice evening by myself, into rest, into something else. It's random, it's randomly chosen, but the events follow the last, like a never ending train, twisting and winding into some destination. The smoke from my cigar looks the same. Ceaseless grey pouring up and out and into whatever, the welcoming night sky. That's my life. On and on, money thrown here, fun thrown here, work and play and rest and cycle and whatever whirling up and out and down and around back to the beginning.

I wish I was more calculated. I wish everything I did was purposeful. It's not enough to have a decent moral code, then to dream about justice and dream about setting the world to rights. A dream is like smoke to me now. It's pleasant, but passes. I want my dreams to be plans. I want my lofty to desires to be my lifestyle. I'm tired of the smooth random.

I'm going to give away my clothes. I have a lot that I don't need. I'm going to let them be used for a better purpose. I'm going to stop throwing away my money. I've talked [about it] before, but if I get money, I'm going to save it or give it away. I don't think I've ever really experienced generosity. More than anything, I think I'd rather experience that right now. I don't want to piss away 4 and 5 dollars on my sensations. I want to [do] what is in my power to reduce the waste in my heart and habit.

I've never really experienced what I envision. I think I've really missed out. I think there's a whole bit of being a human that involves engaging others through utter self sacrifice and generosity. I've lived in total luxury for a few years. I really do want to sample real giving, real generosity. I pray that I can do so. I plan to start right now.

The cigars always get really strong near the end because there is less tobacco to filter the smoke. As time goes on, there is less filter [in] life and more beautiful, maybe a little more bitter experience, expression, and truth comes. I love Jesus more than I ever have.

This ends my journal entry. I think about the time I spent outdoors and wonder what's wrong with the world. I think about now, as I write this out, how wrong I really am, how deeply I need to be transformed.

late night poem

my fingers are pungent with the leafy aroma of tobacco
and the corroded metal of nickel wound six strings
my lips are dry with the ended sweetness of a browned cigar
and the dried perspiration from hours of flame
my abode is a catacomb; grounds of arabica scattered carefree
light is dim, earth is nearby. i taste it so sweetly and serenely.
perhaps only at this hour, when all but a few birds are resting completely.
my eyes at rest, my fingers at rest, my body at rest, my soul at rest.
my god is my rest, always. oh how in love with him i am.

This has been a reoccurring sentiment for some time.

The Conference - part 1

I knew would have to do this sometime. Today's the day! I'm going to document everything (or at least some for now) I received at the Faith and International Development Conference last weekend. All while sipping Maxwell House with a touch of CoffeeMate French Vanilla, and listening to some brutal, face-pummeling, hardcore. The band's name is Belie My Burial, you should look them up and buy their EP. My favorite song is "Paper Idol"; it has a sick video too. Their music is, for lack of more appropriate terms, destructive, inspiring, and beautiful. Yes.

Now to the conference. I loved it! I went in with only a few expectations, simply because I didn't know what to expect. I suppose what I expected most was to be inspired by what was said, to be informed about the state of the world, and to gain some understanding and direction for the path of my life. Thank my Jesus, all three were fulfilled.

The opening song would set the tone for the rest of the conference:

This is my father's world, oh let me never forget.

That though the wrong seems oft' so strong, God is the ruler yet.

This is my father's world, why should my heart be sad?

The Lord is King; let the heavens ring! God reigns, let the earth be glad!

After singing, the conference began with Ron Sider, author of Rich Christians in an Age of Hunger. He led our devotions by outlining God's care for the poor--he lifts them up. He has acted in history to lift them out of their condition, like in Exodus when Israel was lifted out of slavery. Sider noted that the poor and the oppressed are the only people that God singled out (see Luke 4, verses 16 through 20). He then moved on to discuss how God defending the poor and oppressed is just as important as God being the creator and the Almighty. He mentioned the classic verse, Matthew 25:40, where Jesus says "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." Those who oppress, oppress the Maker, and those who assist are giving to the Father. Sider voiced the fact that Jesus came to a poor peasant family, a seemingly insignificant way to enter into the world as our Savior; all the more evidence that God empathizes and is tremendously on the side of the poor in our world.

Sider moved on to say that God has acted in history to pull down the rich and powerful. James 5 provides a somber warning to the rich. The people who oppress their workers and gain by their oppression and neglecting will be judged. Sider quoted Jeremiah 5:27-28:

"Like cages full of birds, their houses are full of deceit; they have become rich and powerful and have grown fat and sleek. Their evil deeds have no limit; they do not plead the case of the fatherless to win it, they do not defend the rights of the poor. Should I not punish them for this?" Declares the Lord. "Should I not avenge myself on such a nation as this?"

Neglecting the poor and oppressed is equally as offensive as actively oppressing and exploiting. For instance, Lazarus of Luke 16 was neglected, not oppressed. The rich man who forgot Lazarus was punished like one who was actively involved in oppressing. This point hit me the hardest--as someone who is so capable of helping the poor, my neglecting to do so has been as terrible as someone who is in the business of exploiting and depriving through other means. I picture myself as some corporate CEO, paying workers in Mexico or China basically nothing so that my company can prosper, and I can drive home in a really nice car. Of course, I would never want to do that, but if I take what Luke 16 has to say seriously, that's exactly what I'm doing, but through different modes. Wow. That kicks me in the balls more than the song "Misery Architecture", Belie My Burial's song which is written in like drop B-flat and has about five or six different time signatures and about three different face-melting breakdowns. Nice allegory, huh?

Isaiah 58:

⁶ "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday."

The rest of the chapter is worth reading. If we claim to be God's people but don't care for the poor, we are not his people. It is God's intention for his people to care for the poor, as noted above. Our faith calls us to action (1 John 3:17-18). I wish that more emphasis was placed on the poor in our churches and communities; the same amount of emphasis found in the Bible.

For the next segment of my blog, I will be listening to Switchfoot, Hello Hurricane. I will stop drinking coffee. I will be missing chapel, but this is far more rewarding. I love Jesus!

There was a dude, pretty sure his name was Milton, or something Milton, who talked about world health, it's improvements and downfalls. He mentioned that many science and political dollars have been spent in the past towards world health. Things like PEPFAR, PMI, The Global Fund, The Gate's Foundation, and the Global Health Initiative have made significant progress against HIV/AIDS, malaria, TB, and malnutrition. However, the work is far from done. Milton had some sad statistics: 36% of all babies born in Bangladesh are low birth weight, 43% of under 5's are stunted because of malnutrition, and 48% of under 5's are underweight. This was just one example of malnutrition and deprivation in the world.

One of the most interesting portions of this presentation was his chart of behavioral determinants: Communities and Societies surround Organizations, which surrounds Social Networks, which surrounds Individuals. It was interesting to see in pictorial form how people are affected. This chart is something that I will remember in the future, simply because it is insightful as to how people are accessed and affected.

Milton showed a few charts; one of them was a chart of GNP, gross national product, with relation to life expectancy. It was surprising to see that life expectancy was very much the same down to a certain point, when GNP fell to terribly low numbers. Essentially, it is not necessary to have a high GNP in order to have equally high life expectancies in the world; the poor can live just as long, provided they have basic health care. The question that Milton posed was this: can the developing world get healthy before it gets wealthy? The missing pieces are you and me. Everyone is in some way responsible for health in the world.

I am always yours. ~Switchfoot, "Always".

One more part of the conference before I run to class. We watched the film Pray the Devil Back to Hell, an inspiring story about a woman in Liberia who rose up with other women to protest war and injustice there. She worked with both Muslims and Christians to end suffering. It was touching and powerful. The film addressed some of my deepest concerns about social justice and evangelism, as to how they work together or contradict each other. I've hesitated in the past to swallow up social justice issues, because it seems like a waste in comparison with the terror of hell--why do these issues matter, when eternal salvation is bigger. However, because of the film, I can now see that Christ won't reach anyone until bullets stop flying; Christ won't reach anyone because bullets don't pick and choose. If people are dying anyway, it would be wrong to reach their souls alone. I will not refuse people justice because they don't accept the truth.

Sing it out, sing out loud. I can't find the words to sing. You be my remedy, my song. I see you with what's left of me. ~Switchfoot, "Sing It Out".

More soon.

Some conference thoughts

Man, the conference was frickin sweet! In addition to stimulating my thoughts, there are a few things that I would like to change about my lifestyle. These are a few preliminary thoughts:

I would like to eat less food. I realize how many people have no food whatsoever to eat, and often the food they do eat is insufficient. I think about the meal that we ate collectively at the conference when we ate porridge that World Vision provides for people in malnourished areas of the world, and it opened my eyes; to taste what so many people consume every day, to know and experience for a moment in time the nothing that people have was powerful. When I think about that food, and consider the food I eat every day, I am saddened. I no longer want to consume as much as I do. Maybe it won’t make a tangible difference for them, but it will remind me how much I have, and remind me that I have so much more than so many. When I want to reach for more food that I don’t need, I will instead pray to the Lord for the people that couldn’t eat in the first place. God hears my prayers. He loves his people; whether they have food or not. Especially those with nothing: “Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of God.” So, I will eat only what I need. This is easier said than done, but right now I refuse to consume that which I do not need; it is so sad to think that I can eat whatever, whenever I want, when some would give up anything for a bite for one day.

Another thing that I want to change is how much water I use. Often, sometimes I use a crapload of water in the shower and for other random stuff that I don’t need. Again, it wont make much difference for people who don’t have water in this world, but it will continually remind me of the need in this world for water. It’s sad to think about how I can run the shower for minutes and minutes, and absolutely nothing will come of it, when people elsewhere travel miles everyday for water that isn’t even clean for drinking. So, I will remember the people in this world who suffer by lack of water. I can pray and God will act. He is faithful!

I’m not going to buy anything unless I really really need it. Maybe this seems prudish or snobby or stuck up or something, but think about how much money I’ll save, think about how much money won’t be wasted. I’ve already spent a lot of money this semester, some on books that I need, some on items that I kind of need, like a coffee maker so I can wake up in the morning for devotions and my morning classes, and some items that I don’t need at all. My point is that I don’t want to give money away to places that don’t really do anything positive for me or for anyone but themselves. It would be nice to not support companies that I don’t know how they treat their workers. It’ll save me money, and be morally safe, eh? Oh yeah.

Along with that, I want to steer clear of institutions that treat workers unfairly, perpetuate poverty, and oppress the poor further. I’m going to do some research on this, but I’m pretty dang sure that companies like American Eagle don’t pay their workers in Indonesia the same wages their store employees get. I’m pretty dang sure that the shirt I’m wearing was stitched and assembled and printed by someone or some people that didn’t get paid much more than $20 for their day. Maybe that’s being generous. Maybe they do get paid well. All I’m saying is that I’d rather know and make a decision based on that rather than buy whatever for too much and have that overly expensive item have been made by someone stuck in a cycle of abject poverty. It’s not my place to buy that shirt, especially if I don’t know who made it. It’ll be a lot easier if I just don’t buy stuff in the first place, eh? Yumsaboss.

Again, this is easier said than done. I just ate a handful of Swedish fish without thinking. I didn’t need those fish. Yeah they were tasty, chewy, and delicious. In the end, however, it’s likely just going to rot my teeth and make a little chubbier. As pleasant as it was to throw those little red suckers into my hungry, salivating mouth, I didn’t need them. It’ll be small choices like this, to just live better, to just treat my body better, to be a little more careful about who I support with my dollars. I encourage anyone who reads this to keep me accountable—this really is how I’d rather live my life, knowing that I am doing everything, absolutely everything, in my power to follow Jesus. Not just in my social and spiritual realms, but also in my physical, consumptive, and private ones too.

Living for Christ, because of this conference, has become more than an outward lifestyle, and is now far more of a holistic, balanced approach to taking up my cross. One of the most impacting things that I realized at this conference was that participation in sinful structures, socially unjust systems, and essentially evil establishments is just as sinful as committing devastating personal sins. In the west, it’s often stressed about how terrible things like murder, lust, covetousness, greed, and other sins are. However, I have never heard a word about social sin in church, when in fact, the Father despises it just as much. I wouldn’t support an adulterous marriage, so why would I support a company that exploits children workers or keeps workers suffering in poverty? I hope it doesn’t sound like I’ve gone off the deep end, but shouldn’t it be a little more offensive that structural evil affects many many more people than just myself and my personal sin? I think I need to be more mindful of that kind of thing.

I’ll write more about the conference soon, some other great things to think about.

Discomfort

This week during chapel a faith and international development conference in Grand Rapids, Michigan was presented during announcements--I really don’t remember it being all that informational of an announcement, but was intrigued nonetheless. At first I believed it would be another opportunity that I would pass up; usually the announcements during chapel I sort of set aside because I am busy enough with all the random stuff and events I go to outside of Greenville College events. For some reason I didn’t feel like passing this up though. In the process however, I had some discomfort.

I didn’t really want to go; as much as I want there to be justice, equality, and peace in this world, I questioned what going to a conference like this could legitimately do for me. I had and still do have a lot of schoolwork to do. It would be an inconvenience for me to have to do a bunch of projects, essays, and other miscellaneous assignments in the space of two days instead of a full week. To do so would break routine, to do so would take me away from my room, my roommate and friends, et cetera. I would be even more tired than I already am.

However, I looked at the possibilities and opportunities that the conference could present. “Faith and International Development”-- a couple of things that I care deeply about. My faith is who I am, and international development is something that I want to do with my life. I don’t really know what that means, but I’m concerned for the broken, condemned, and suffering. The conference was almost completely paid for by GCSA, so I would only have to pay $10 to go for a couple days. Meals included! So cheap! I decided that I would go. Why wouldn’t I if it was that cheap?

Before I decided for sure, I went through a period of moderate to severe discomfort. The indecision killed me. The not knowing what was right to do killed me. The internal struggle over what I really want to do with my life bubbled hot at the surface of my soul. I’m a digital media major… do DMers go to mission conferences? Do I really want to be a digital media major? Like I said before, the earthquake in Haiti shook my reality-- it’s no longer so cut and dry as to what I am capable of and where God wants me. All these thoughts were so prevalent before I just signed up and got it over with. Maybe it means that going to this conference is a turning point in my priorities. I can’t put my finger on really what God is doing with me right now. Whatever it is, I’m chill with it.

I think that God puts us in places of discomfort to mold us and shape us and to push us forward. Yes, it's really uncomfortable sometimes. Yes, being comfortable is more emotionally desirable at the time of discomfort. However, in the long run God knows that when we are forced to make decisions, when we are forced to do things for Him, when we must trust in Him and do what he is really calling us to do, it is far more beneficial, glorifying, as well as eternally and currently rewarding.

As I write this on the bus toward Grand Rapids, I trust that God will shape me and use me and form me through whatever happens. I want answers, and I trust God to provide them. More to come soon.

Winter break

It's time to reflect on what has happened over this winter break. I came home, saw my friends, saw my brother, saw my parents, saw my dog, experienced whole bunch of familiar sights, sounds, and smells (not so much smells, my olfactory sense has been uncooperative with the onslaught of allergies). I relaxed. I relaxed to the max. I was utterly satisfied with my existence, my plan for the future, and my faith. What an excellent place to be, right? I suppose it was good, but something has changed for me.

Let me back up a bit. The end of my senior year in high school and into the summer of 2009 I had such fantastic motivation--I was ready to make a difference in the world. I was so excited to have a new beginning in a foreign land (Greenville). It was a new place, a new start, a new opportunity to learn who I was supposed to become. Those days were filled with desire to change the world for the better. My focus was on God, and on the world, and how he wanted me to engage and change it for the better. There was so much I could do, and I was so ready to do it. I trusted wholeheartedly that Greenville could help me do these things.

When I arrived at Greenville, I was encouraged by Norm Hall's opening words: "We are world-changers." I was so pleased to hear that the leadership at Greenville desired similar things that I did. I started the semester with high hopes.

I don't think my hopes diminished, but I do think that I gained other interests. My social life, my academics, my entertainment, other things consumed my time and thought. As the semester went on, priorities were added. Priorities that made my original hopes shrink to make space for new ones. At the start of this winter break, I was a person who cared a little bit about a lot of stuff... and a lot of that stuff is not worth caring about.

Then an earthquake annihilated Haiti. The earthquake shook my reality. It made me question myself, my future, and my existence. It made me reflect and look ahead. I saw the fallacy of my worldly desires-- my wants like: new jeans, to be entertained, to engage in slothful activities, to eat restaurant food, to go shopping, to just have a good time. Maybe these are healthy desires, in their place. But when I saw thousands of Haitians trapped below concrete, and when I saw bodies lining the streets, I felt sick to my stomach. Not because I have a weak stomach and I can't stand to see suffering and people perishing, but because I realized what a bigger world there is around me-- the world that needs every bit of my resources, my time, and my energy, if it is to move away from injustice, poverty, suffering, and damnation. The world needs me. I don't need me. Jesus desires that I be in the world serving him. How could I make this life about me? How narrow! How short-sighted!

My confidence in the future is shaken-- I really don't know now what I'm going to do. I trust that the Lord will direct me. I'm thankful for his use of tragedy to mess with my mind. I loved last semester, I loved break, but I hope and pray to the Lord that this semester can be different. I'm more wary of my self now... I know how easy it is for me to fall into a superficial routine. This semester, I want to make conscious effort to think about the world, to pray about the world, and to remember how much bigger the world is, how infinitely larger the truth of Jesus Christ is than my life. Thank the Lord Jesus for caring about this life and using it for his kingdom; I will not let my worldly cares pollute his work in me and through me. I ask that he make himself my rest, and let no other thing take his place-- not my visions and plans for my future, not my entertainment, not my computer, not my passion, not my dorm room, not my bed. Jesus Christ alone be my constant. This semester is going to rock!

And there you have a couple late night reflections and visions.

Haiti

As everyone knows, a huge earthquake hit Haiti yesterday. When I looked at the images, heard the stories, read the blogs, my heart was broken. On the way to my high school, where I would watch the varsity girls play, I cried out to the Lord. It was the first time in a while that I wept tears of real desire, genuine wanting the Lord to rescue and help people who are in dire need, utter suffering. I begged God to help them, and to have his way with me, send me, keep me, use me, whatever. Today I've been praying a lot, fasting a bit, bringing my requests and broken heart before the Lord.

I want to help.

I was posed with a question though-- why does the tragedy of Haiti sadden me and offend me and frighten me and inspire me more than the thought of the tragedy of hell? I thought about how terrifying situations like these are. Hundreds and thousands of people utterly broken, with everything taken from them. I think about Darfur, about Haiti, about other places in the world with terrible injustices and wrongs. How awful. Then I think about hell. Hell is like the same thing, only it's forever. And worse. Believe me, I do not, in any way, want to minimize the size and importance of issues like these, but I have to wonder about my priorities. Even if I were able to "fix", heal, restore the people of Haiti back to health and the way it was, even if it were possible to end injustice in Sudan right now, even if I could give fair wages end the injustices in all the world, hell would still be there. Souls that are not redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ would still suffer for all eternity.

I want to heal, restore, and redeem. I want people to live lives of joy. I think it's awful for Haiti. I'm utterly broken by it. But at the same time, I question whether going to rebuild and show love there is absolutely his desire for me. Yes, in the end, "the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me'" (Matthew 25). Yes, by doing so, I would be doing it unto Jesus Christ the Lord. Yet I don't know how effective it would be in saving souls for the kingdom of God.

Why does the thought of human suffering offend and motivate me more than the thought of eternal separation from Christ?

I hope I don't fluster and anger anybody, but I want to approach all things from a godly standpoint. I hope and pray to God that whatever I do, I do to save souls from damnation. I hope to God I don't confuse that idea with the idea of saving people from suffering in this life. Isn't it more glorifying to God to bring people into the saving knowledge of Christ than to bring them into comfort for the rest of their earthly life?

I will be praying and trusting that I will be able to reconcile my desire to help the suffering with my desire for their salvation. I think it's possible to fulfill both.