Winter break

It's time to reflect on what has happened over this winter break. I came home, saw my friends, saw my brother, saw my parents, saw my dog, experienced whole bunch of familiar sights, sounds, and smells (not so much smells, my olfactory sense has been uncooperative with the onslaught of allergies). I relaxed. I relaxed to the max. I was utterly satisfied with my existence, my plan for the future, and my faith. What an excellent place to be, right? I suppose it was good, but something has changed for me.

Let me back up a bit. The end of my senior year in high school and into the summer of 2009 I had such fantastic motivation--I was ready to make a difference in the world. I was so excited to have a new beginning in a foreign land (Greenville). It was a new place, a new start, a new opportunity to learn who I was supposed to become. Those days were filled with desire to change the world for the better. My focus was on God, and on the world, and how he wanted me to engage and change it for the better. There was so much I could do, and I was so ready to do it. I trusted wholeheartedly that Greenville could help me do these things.

When I arrived at Greenville, I was encouraged by Norm Hall's opening words: "We are world-changers." I was so pleased to hear that the leadership at Greenville desired similar things that I did. I started the semester with high hopes.

I don't think my hopes diminished, but I do think that I gained other interests. My social life, my academics, my entertainment, other things consumed my time and thought. As the semester went on, priorities were added. Priorities that made my original hopes shrink to make space for new ones. At the start of this winter break, I was a person who cared a little bit about a lot of stuff... and a lot of that stuff is not worth caring about.

Then an earthquake annihilated Haiti. The earthquake shook my reality. It made me question myself, my future, and my existence. It made me reflect and look ahead. I saw the fallacy of my worldly desires-- my wants like: new jeans, to be entertained, to engage in slothful activities, to eat restaurant food, to go shopping, to just have a good time. Maybe these are healthy desires, in their place. But when I saw thousands of Haitians trapped below concrete, and when I saw bodies lining the streets, I felt sick to my stomach. Not because I have a weak stomach and I can't stand to see suffering and people perishing, but because I realized what a bigger world there is around me-- the world that needs every bit of my resources, my time, and my energy, if it is to move away from injustice, poverty, suffering, and damnation. The world needs me. I don't need me. Jesus desires that I be in the world serving him. How could I make this life about me? How narrow! How short-sighted!

My confidence in the future is shaken-- I really don't know now what I'm going to do. I trust that the Lord will direct me. I'm thankful for his use of tragedy to mess with my mind. I loved last semester, I loved break, but I hope and pray to the Lord that this semester can be different. I'm more wary of my self now... I know how easy it is for me to fall into a superficial routine. This semester, I want to make conscious effort to think about the world, to pray about the world, and to remember how much bigger the world is, how infinitely larger the truth of Jesus Christ is than my life. Thank the Lord Jesus for caring about this life and using it for his kingdom; I will not let my worldly cares pollute his work in me and through me. I ask that he make himself my rest, and let no other thing take his place-- not my visions and plans for my future, not my entertainment, not my computer, not my passion, not my dorm room, not my bed. Jesus Christ alone be my constant. This semester is going to rock!

And there you have a couple late night reflections and visions.

Haiti

As everyone knows, a huge earthquake hit Haiti yesterday. When I looked at the images, heard the stories, read the blogs, my heart was broken. On the way to my high school, where I would watch the varsity girls play, I cried out to the Lord. It was the first time in a while that I wept tears of real desire, genuine wanting the Lord to rescue and help people who are in dire need, utter suffering. I begged God to help them, and to have his way with me, send me, keep me, use me, whatever. Today I've been praying a lot, fasting a bit, bringing my requests and broken heart before the Lord.

I want to help.

I was posed with a question though-- why does the tragedy of Haiti sadden me and offend me and frighten me and inspire me more than the thought of the tragedy of hell? I thought about how terrifying situations like these are. Hundreds and thousands of people utterly broken, with everything taken from them. I think about Darfur, about Haiti, about other places in the world with terrible injustices and wrongs. How awful. Then I think about hell. Hell is like the same thing, only it's forever. And worse. Believe me, I do not, in any way, want to minimize the size and importance of issues like these, but I have to wonder about my priorities. Even if I were able to "fix", heal, restore the people of Haiti back to health and the way it was, even if it were possible to end injustice in Sudan right now, even if I could give fair wages end the injustices in all the world, hell would still be there. Souls that are not redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ would still suffer for all eternity.

I want to heal, restore, and redeem. I want people to live lives of joy. I think it's awful for Haiti. I'm utterly broken by it. But at the same time, I question whether going to rebuild and show love there is absolutely his desire for me. Yes, in the end, "the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me. I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me'" (Matthew 25). Yes, by doing so, I would be doing it unto Jesus Christ the Lord. Yet I don't know how effective it would be in saving souls for the kingdom of God.

Why does the thought of human suffering offend and motivate me more than the thought of eternal separation from Christ?

I hope I don't fluster and anger anybody, but I want to approach all things from a godly standpoint. I hope and pray to God that whatever I do, I do to save souls from damnation. I hope to God I don't confuse that idea with the idea of saving people from suffering in this life. Isn't it more glorifying to God to bring people into the saving knowledge of Christ than to bring them into comfort for the rest of their earthly life?

I will be praying and trusting that I will be able to reconcile my desire to help the suffering with my desire for their salvation. I think it's possible to fulfill both.